Presenting the 2008 Pumpkin Gallery
- All hand carved by the Gardener -

Directions

Every week my wife and I spend what seems to be a considerable amount of time planning out the weekend's optimal routes for getting our children to their various soccer games and other activities. This weekend, while searching for directions, I discovered that humor exists in government. Note the final entry.

Directions to Wall Township Municipal Complex (from the township website)

From the North: New Jersey Turnpike south to Exit 11; Garden State Parkway south to Exit 98.

From the South: New Jersey Turnpike north to Exit 7A; Interstate 195 east to the Shore Points Exit. Or if the Garden State Parkway is closeby, take it north to Exit 98.

From the West: Pennsylvania Turnpike east, over the bridge; New Jersey Turnpike North to Exit 7A; Interstate 195 east to the Shore Points Exit.

From the East: Swim swiftly west, avoiding reptilian, mammalian and other possible aquatic intruders. When you hit land, stop. Dry off and head due west in the neighborhood of 4 miles. You're here :)

Storefront

A dry cleaning establishment simultaneously communicates store hours and larger priorities.

Just wondering - August 4

What does a pagan yell in the throes of passion: "Oh my gods!"?

What is a Rescue Club?

If you are not an avid golfer you may want to pass this up this post.

I played with the same set of clubs from 1987-2007, changing only my driver about 4 years ago. I have always believed that my inability to hit a golf ball as well as Jack Nicklaus has far more to do with genetics and practice habits than the steel-headed tubes that reside in my golf bag. My score went from the high 80's before marriage, to the low nineties after marriage (despite the fact that The Queen loves to play as well), to high nineties after children - all with the same exact set of clubs.

Recently I started to notice people playing with these funny looking clubs that appeared to be unable to decide whether they are irons or woods. After the obligatory "Where have you been hiding?", I was informed that these are called "rescue clubs". It seems you hit them when your ball is in the rough, and the smooth club head slides through without getting caught.

So last year when I finally replaced my irons, instead of getting a 3 iron, I got a 3R rescue club. It looks beautiful. Only problem is, I can't seem to hit it without my ball settling in worse trouble than I started.

I should have known better than to buy a club whose name rhymes with "fescue".

In case of emergency...

I recently called a doctor's office during normal business hours. This is what I heard from the automated answering system (names changed, of course):

"Thank you for calling the offices of Dr.'s Smith, Jones, Robinson, McCarthy, Lipschutz, Passarelli, and Mehta."

[pause]

"Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed."

[pause]

"If you are calling to schedule an appointment, to cancel an appointment, or to change an appointment, press 1 now."

[pause]

"If this is a true emergency, press 2 now. Do not press 2 unless this is a true emergency."

It took 20 seconds to get to the instruction for what to do in a 'true emergency', including taking over 5 seconds to let us know that their menu options have changed. Changed from what? In the previous version was the true emergency choice 47?

Placebos

I came across an article in which doctors were studying the effects of oral contraceptives containing estrogen on women with Lupus. The article quoted the New England Journal of Medicine as saying lupus symptoms in women taking the pills with estrogen were no worse than those using other forms of contraception, pills without estrogen, or those given placebos.

Where did they find the women willing to participate in this study?

The article failed to mention how many of those women taking the placebo birth control pills became PREGNANT!!!

Just wondering - June 2

• If your yo-yo won't come back up, is it just a yo?
• How do you get out a club soda stain?
• How do you tell if Syrup of Ipecac has gone bad?

Drive-through Banking

Over the years in the town where I have my office, a few banks have closed up branches or moved to new locations, but the buildings remain. In general they become branches of other banks, but occasionally not. One such building remained vacant for over a year, and has just re-opened - as a urology clinic.

I used to visit this particular branch to do my own banking, and can attest to the fact that the building contains several drive-through lanes with (a) a fully operational pneumatic system to send those little cylinders back and forth to the cars, and (b) an ATM in the wall of lane #1.

I'm curious to know how they are making use of these built-in features for the urology clinic. The possibilities are endless...

Black Bear

My local newspaper reported that a 200 pound black bear was struck and killed by a Toyota on Interstate 287. It makes me wonder: Why was the color and weight of the bear important, but neither the color nor weight of the driver (or the car, for that matter). Perhaps the news item should have been, "A 200 pound black bear was struck and killed by a 116 pound caucasian woman driving a 2421 pound silver Toyota Corolla."

Note: The woman driving the car survived - the Toyota was a total loss.

Postcard - Tights

The inaugural Postcard, which originally appeared December 21, 2004

The setting: Family is preparing to go to worship services. Four daughters (ages 8, 8, 8 and 5) are scrambling to get ready on time. Mother calls out "5 minutes!!!" from downstairs.

Daughter #3 (panicked): Daddy, my tights don't feel right. Can you help me find the right size?

Father: I don't know anything about tights. They all look the same crumpled up in your drawer.

D3: But you know all about sizes and stuff.

Father (trying to be helpful): What size are you?

D3: Daaaadddddyyyy!

Father: Look, I really don't know anything about girls stockings. I don't wear them - (then adding, in a flash of brilliance) - just like you don't know anything about underwear with a fly in the front.

Daughter #2 (arriving on the scene): A what?

Father (oblivious to warning signs): A fly in the front.

D2 & D3 (unison): We don't get it.

Father: You know how your underwear is flat across, but your jeans have a zipper? Well, boys... (suddenly senses the magnitude of the tactical blunder) Oh, never mind. (hastily retreats to master bedroom and closes door)

D3 (through the door): Oh, now I get it!

Father (also through the door): I'm sure I don't want to know! Go downstairs and tell your mother you need help.