Postcard - Tights

The inaugural Postcard, which originally appeared December 21, 2004

The setting: Family is preparing to go to worship services. Four daughters (ages 8, 8, 8 and 5) are scrambling to get ready on time. Mother calls out "5 minutes!!!" from downstairs.

Daughter #3 (panicked): Daddy, my tights don't feel right. Can you help me find the right size?

Father: I don't know anything about tights. They all look the same crumpled up in your drawer.

D3: But you know all about sizes and stuff.

Father (trying to be helpful): What size are you?

D3: Daaaadddddyyyy!

Father: Look, I really don't know anything about girls stockings. I don't wear them - (then adding, in a flash of brilliance) - just like you don't know anything about underwear with a fly in the front.

Daughter #2 (arriving on the scene): A what?

Father (oblivious to warning signs): A fly in the front.

D2 & D3 (unison): We don't get it.

Father: You know how your underwear is flat across, but your jeans have a zipper? Well, boys... (suddenly senses the magnitude of the tactical blunder) Oh, never mind. (hastily retreats to master bedroom and closes door)

D3 (through the door): Oh, now I get it!

Father (also through the door): I'm sure I don't want to know! Go downstairs and tell your mother you need help.