Always Read before Voting

Dateline: January 5, 2010, Washington DC

Red-faced Federal officials are trying to explain to a mob of furious senior citizens that a simple word processing error led to a major mistake in the healthcare bill that was hurredly passed last year. It seems that someone on the powerful House Ways and Means Committee accidentally combined two documents. The language from the now-defunct "Cash for Clunkers" program, which ran out of money last July 31, found its way into the provision of the healthcare bill that imposed end-of-life planning requirements on the elderly.

As a result, the law that was passed containing the following provision:

Effective January 1, 2010, anyone with a relative at least 65 years of age or 95,000 miles (whichever comes first) can turn in that relative and receive a $4,500 trade-in on a newer model.
Not only are senior citizens outraged, but for the last four days large numbers of ungrateful middle-aged offspring have been spotted dragging their elderly parents and in-laws into federal building and clamoring for their $4,500.

When reached for comment, the reactions of government officials were quite remarkable. Said one lawmaker who voted for the plan: "You don't really expect us to read a thousand pages of legislation before we vote on it, do you? We have luncheons to attend, speeches to give, appearences on cable news channels. So we just vote the way our party leadership commands us."

A White House advisor had this to say: "Well, you know we inherited this massive 500 billion pages of legislation from the previous administration, so this is really their fault."

The President's teleprompter was broken, so he had nothing to say.

Stay tuned as we find out what is in Chapter 2 of The Healthcare Chronicles. Be afraid...

Iron Maiden

While driving on the Garden State Parkway yesterday, I noticed a billboard advertising an upcoming performance by Iron Maiden at the PNC Bank Arts Center on July 11. "Now that's a blast from the past", I observed.

My wife's response: "I'll bet they are a bit rusty."

Cruising Yes, Listening No

I was a bit late in getting to the February issue of Runner's World, in which there is a feature on celebrity runners. What caught my attention was not the article itself, but a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jogging together in Boston.

Now Tom Cruise may very well be a great conversationalist. However, it doesn't look good for him when he is photographed jogging along with his wife who is clearly wearing headphones.

Olympics HD

We finally purchased a new HDTV. The picture is spectacular, and watching sports is a big improvement over the traditional signal. Unfortunately, not all the channels I get are HD. For example, MSNBC does not come in HD, while CNBC does. Normally I would not care, as neither are in my viewing habits (does anyone really like Keith Olbermann?) However, some of the Olympic events are shown on these two channels, so I have no choice.

So, on which one are they showing ice hockey? MSNBC - not HD. And on which one do we get 24/7 curling? CNBC.

Yep - that green painted circle on the ice looks so vivid I could reach out and touch it. Thanks a lot!

Super Who?

Given the choice between watching the Superbowl halftime show and accompanying my wife to pick up her older sisters at a party, my youngest chose the latter. Her justification: "I don't want to watch some band that's really bad."

Goodbye Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry, hello Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber - at least according to the younger set.

Shea Butter

It seems awfully coincidental that the appearence of products containing Shea Butter immediately followed the destruction of the original home of the NY Mets. Sure, they say the stuff comes from some tree in Africa, but I'm not convinced. It's supposed to work like Vaseline Intensive Care, but watch out, Mets fans... It will also take 10 mph off your fastball and cause you to go 0-fer the next 3 years.

The Writing on the Wall

On the wall of my office hangs a large blackboard. Not a whiteboard, mind you. It uses real chalk (although the writing surface is actually green, not black). One of my colleagues makes fun of me because I may be the only person in Western business society who has not yet made the switch.

The board does have some history. My dad bought it when we started our company 25 years ago. He and I used to solve database challenges together on that board. And when my wife was a physics teacher and would need a quick lesson before instructing the students, she would stop at his office and he would diagram out problems and solutions for her.

But since I'm not all that into chalk dust, I was ultimately inclined to agree with my colleague that a change is in order.

So to get into the 21st century, I visited my favorite office products website. My existing chalk board is rather large, so the white board needs to be at least as large in order to avoid any wall repairs. The cost would be about $300.

On top of the initial purchase price, there is also the special eraser ($12), plus the markers($7). Finally add the sales tax (I'll pick it up in the store to save the $25 shipping charges), and the total is about $341.

What will my company and I get for its $341?

• A clean white board with no chalk dust.
• The ability to draw in vivid color.
• A good buzz for everyone in the room every time a marker is uncapped.
• The concern that someone will use a permanent marker by mistake.
• A ruined marker every time one of my children visits and forgets to put the cap back on after drawing pictures.

Of course, when the markers need to be replaced, the old ones are discarded rather than recycled. The plastic parts of the marker will still be sitting in a landfill until the next millenium and then some. Probably right next to what's left of the board that was replaced.

Chalk, on the other hand, is naturally occurring, and upon usage fulfills the biblical admonition in Genesis 2:7 - For you are dust. And to dust you shall return. I'm also fairly certain that dust leaves no carbon footprint.

So upon further reflection, I have decided that my green board is greener than the white board in more than just its color. And it has better memories.

Footnote: The folks at Google are pretty clever. When my post popped up for the first time, so did an advertisement - for a new whiteboard!