Postcard #88: Boyfriends II - Tenth Anniversary/Holiday Postcard

In December of 2004, the first Postcard from the Garden of Estrogen made its appearance.  It was just a single essay, with no plans for anything else.  I have republished the Postcard elsewhere on this blog.  But thanks to the five women in my life, the past ten years have provided a limitless supply of material.  And with over a half million miles spent in the air, I have had enough time to write it all down. 

Whether you have been with me from the beginning or have joined along the way, thank you for reading.

And now we turn to a topic that was not even on the distant radar when my daughters were 8, 8, 8 and 5.

* * *

Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me 'bout yourself.
So you like my daughter, do you now?
Yeah we think she's something else.
She's her daddy's girl and her mama's world
She deserves respect, that's what she'll get, ain't it son?
Now y'all run along and have some fun.
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I'll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun.

Rodney Atkins, “Cleaning This Gun”

I know some people like to poke fun at country music, but how can you not like lyrics like these – especially if you have daughters? 

* * *

When D1, D2 and D3 were ten years old I wrote a Postcard entitled Boyfriends - OK, not a very original title, I admit, but also not at all confusing as to the topic.  The purpose (aside from general amusement) was to document their views on the subject of boys and dating while they and their friends had virtually no firsthand knowledge of the subject.  Postcard #30 is posted elsewhere on this blog. 

At the time, I made one prophetic statement:

I don’t know what worries me more:

• The idea that one day my daughters will have boyfriends.
• The idea that it may happen at approximately the same time (at least for the big three – this is NOT one area where I want the little one to play catch-up). 

Through intermediate school and middle school I watched as my daughters’ peers started to experiment with relationships.  Boys would appear on the spectator sidelines at the games I was coaching. Or we would hear at the dinner table about who liked whom, who was going out with whom, etc.  The Queen and I just listened.  As far as we could tell, all of this was going on around our daughters, but not directly involving them.  Nevertheless, just to be on the safe side, I would find a way to periodically remind the girls that I had won a number of awards shooting target rifles when I was a teenager.  My own version of Rodney Atkins.

Then came high school.  First year, same story.  Then suddenly, boys started showing interest in D1, D2 and D3.  I didn’t interview any of the boys at the time (now THAT would have made for an interesting Postcard), but perhaps it had something to do with the fact that at 5-6, 5-8 and 5-6 1/2 respectively, the girls no longer towered over the boys the way they used to (D3 in particular is far less intimidating when she is looking up).

However, just because the boys started paying attention doesn’t mean their efforts were reciprocated.  Every single one was unsuccessful.  Eventually we reached a point where I started to become more curious than fearful to see what kind of boy was going to manage to break the ice.  D2, misreading my curiosity, reassured me that (a) she does like boys, and (b) she and her sisters would not settle for any boy just to be able to say she had a boyfriend.

Note:  Not that there was ever any doubt, but D2 has since stated on multiple occasions that “I would never want to date a girl.  I don’t know how guys do it.  We are impossible!”

By this time, D4 had passed her sisters in height (currently approaching 5-10).  With a hairstyle that looks like Darryl Hannah’s in Splash, it would be easy to think she would be the first to attract a beau.  However, not to worry – I think she can be even more intimidating than D3.

Note – apparently among the high school set, the term “beau” has been replaced by BAE (pronounced “bay”), which means Before Anyone Else.  At some point these kids will discover that “bae” is the Danish word for poop (the ae becomes a single letter).  Wonder what will happen then?  At the very least, if your daughter starts dating someone named Lars or Magnus, you might want to warn her not to use this term of endearment.

In any event, at the beginning of this year, without any warning D2 suddenly had a BAE.  By late summer, D1 and D3 had followed suit (and before anyone asks, no they are not dating triplets).  Now here’s the amazing part:  I haven’t thought about making a firearm purchase even once! 

For years I have been thinking up all the clever things to say that will strike fear in the hearts of potential suitors:

• “Thanks for bringing my daughter home.  Yes, I always stand on my front porch late at night.  See ya!”
• “Sure you can take my daughter out again - her next free night is in 5 years.”
• “The movies?  No problem - what are you planning to see?  Oh, The Queen and I were just heading out to the same movie.  We’ll be sitting behind you.” (The Queen’s parents really did this the first time I took her out when we were home from college – no joke).

And yet I have used none of these lines.  What is wrong with me?  In fact, the only restriction I have put on my daughters is that I get veto power over the transportation arrangements, and they seem to be fine with it.

Maybe I’m saving it all for what my vivid imagination is cooking up for D4. 

D4: “But Dad, you didn’t give my sisters a hassle about their boyfriends.”

Gardener: “Your sisters’ boyfriends weren't 6-5 with a Harley Davidson tattoo.  And no, he can’t pick you up for a date on his motorcycle, even if he does have an extra helmet!”

Until then, the gun cleaning will just have to wait.

* * *

Whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope the season brings you happiness and peace.

Postcard #30: Boyfriends - A 10 and 7 Perspective

This Postcard appeared in 2007.

* * *

The big girls have moved on from their elementary school (K-4) and have begun intermediate school this fall.  The little one is only in second grade, but she thinks she can keep up (and in many ways she does).  It’s an amazing age.  Sometimes they give glimpses of what they will be like as adults, and then they can turn around and be little girls again – which they still are most of the time.  But before the little girls disappear entirely, I need to take a few snapshots for the time capsule.  This month we take a close look at the subject of dating.

* * *

I don’t know what worries me more:

• The idea that one day my daughters will have boyfriends.
• The idea that it may happen at approximately the same time (at least for the big three – this is NOT one area where I want the little one to play catch-up). 

However, I remember how completely inept most boys are at all things social, so perhaps I still have some breathing room.  Of course, one should not assume the topic doesn’t enter their thought process, but for the time being I can still observe and be (mostly) amused.

Disclaimer: my daughters claim that I have muddled some of this account.  If so, I take full responsibility for any misidentification of my daughters or misinterpretation that may have occurred.  I was writing as quickly as I could, and 10 year old girls have a tendency to talk simultaneously (no, really?).  Of course any actual names that appear here have been changed.

The scene: Dinner time at the Staffin house late spring – the girls are about to conclude their 4^th grade experience. 

The Queen has a speaking engagement and I am alone with the kids.  As we have learned, this means they eat, while I serve and listen.

D3:  “Kevin is so annoying.  Daddy, why are boys so annoying?

Father: “It’s something we practice starting in pre-school.  There is a special ‘annoying’ class that only boys can attend, where they teach us how to drive girls crazy.  Then we spend a lifetime perfecting the techniques.”

D4: “Really?”

D3: “No silly, you can always tell when Daddy is joking.  He gets that look like he’s about to smile.”

D1:  “Are you writing this down?  Oh no, he’s making a Postcard!  Let’s change the subject.”

I think I’m going to have to change tactics one of these days.  They are getting wise to my research methods.

D3 (ignoring D1’s warning): “Daddy, are you Mommy’s boyfriend?”

Father: “Yes.”

D4: “How can you be her boyfriend if you are married?”

Father: “You get married when you decide you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever.  I take it none of you have boyfriends, right?

D2: “D1 likes Mark”.

D1: “Eew, I do not.  He curses.”

D2: “D3 chases him.”

D3: “He asked me to.”

Father: “And so you do?”

D3: “Sure, why not?”

Why didn’t I think of that when I was a teenager?  She looks cute.  “Hey chase me.  Want to go out on a date?  Great!”

D1: “He thinks he is funny, but he is completely annoying.”

D2: “Totally.”

D3: “You know, boys think it’s cool to have a girlfriend.”

Father: “Why?”

D1 and D2 in unison: “I have no idea.”

D3: “I don’t know, but it seems that way.”

Father: “What do they do?”

D1: “They don’t do anything.  They just say they have a girlfriend and leave them alone.”

Father:  “So let me get this straight.  Boys annoy you, right?”

D1: “Yes”

Father: “And then they leave you alone?  This sounds like a good thing.” (especially for Dad)

D1 and D2: “No, you don’t get it.”

D1: “They say they have a girlfriend, but they don’t do anything.  They don’t give Valentines or go out on dates.  They just leave the subject alone.”

Father: “What if you ask the girl?”

D3: “The girls say ‘No, I don’t even talk to him!’  or ‘He’s the most annoying person in the universe!’ ”

Father: “So the boys are making it up.”

D1: “Yes.  They just say it and go do boy things.”

Father:  “Has any boy said he likes you?”

D1 and D3: “No”

D2: “Well…”

D3 (always the helpful one, whispers): “Jake”

Father: “Did Jake say he likes you?”

D2: “No, but I think he does.”

Father: “And how does that make you feel?”

D2: “Bad.”

D3: “I put ice down his back.”

D1: “Yeah, she beats up the boys.”

Father: “So, boys like D2, and then D3 beats them up.”

D3: “I don’t really beat them up.  I just protect the girls – especially when boys steal their stuff.”

D2: “It’s really nice to have D3 on your side.” Note:  D3 is only 10, but she is about to reach 5 feet tall and is as strong as some adults.  If I were an annoying little boy I think I would steer clear of D3’s friends.”

Now let’s see what D4 thinks of all this.  She has been listening to this whole conversation with a mixture of fascination and skepticism.

Father: “D4, what do you think about boyfriends?”

D4:  “They’re dumb.  I want to marry a boy that doesn’t like kissing.”

Father: “Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

D4: “No”

Father: “When do you think you will have a boyfriend?”

D4: “College.”

Father: “Good answer.”

D4: “Or high school, whichever comes first.”

D2: “Not such a good answer, eh Daddy?”  I don’t know which is more scary – D4 dating or the fact that D2 is starting to find me predictable.

D3: “You know what’s cool?  They have to ask me if I want to be their girlfriend.  And I can say no whenever I want.”

Father: “What if they don’t ask?”

D3: “I’ll ask them.” At least I’m raising a modern woman…

D3: “Or else I’ll hypnotize them.” ...and apparently a mystic as well.

D2: “Or better yet, ask them just before they are about to go to sleep when they are really tired.”

Father: “You aren’t going to be anywhere near where boys are going to sleep.”

D3: “Sure we are.  In college.  You just walk into their room when they are lying in bed and scream ‘ASK ME!!!’.”

You have to give D3 points for originality there.  I attended four years of undergrad and two years of graduate school and never heard of anything like that.  Not sure if my girls are typical in the way they look at this whole boyfriend thing at this age (aside from the screaming in the dorm room tactic), but it will be fascinating to see how this all resolves itself over the next decade. 

Postcard #1: Getting Ready

This is the Postcard that started it all in December 2004:

* * *

The setting: Family is preparing to go to worship services. Four daughters (ages 8, 8, 8 and 5) are scrambling to get ready on time. Mother calls out "5 minutes!!!" from downstairs.

Daughter #3 (panicked): Daddy, my tights don't feel right. Can you help me find the right size?

Father: I don't know anything about tights. They all look the same crumpled up in your drawer.

D3: But you know all about sizes and stuff.

Father (trying to be helpful): What size are you?

D3: Daaaadddddyyyy!

Father: Look, I really don't know anything about girls stockings. I don't wear them - (then adding, in a flash of brilliance) - just like you don't know anything about underwear with a fly in the front.

Daughter #2 (arriving on the scene): A what?

Father (oblivious to warning signs): A fly in the front.

D2 & D3 (unison): We don't get it.

Father: You know how your underwear is flat across, but your jeans have a zipper? Well, boys... (suddenly senses the magnitude of the tactical blunder) Oh, never mind. (hastily retreats to master bedroom and closes door)

D3 (through the door): Oh, now I get it!

Father (also through the door): I'm sure I don't want to know! Go downstairs and tell your mother you need help.