This is Soap?

My mother in-law gave us a bottle of Pomegranate & Mango soap. Let's see... Mango - sticky mess. Pomegranate - the juice will stain just about anything. Put them together and rub them all over my hands. Mix in some other stuff (from the ingredient list) like water, ammonium laureth sulfate, sodium hydroxide, and about 15 unpronounceable chemicals. Call me crazy but when I'm done I still feel the need to wash up.

Always Read before Voting

Dateline: January 5, 2010, Washington DC

Red-faced Federal officials are trying to explain to a mob of furious senior citizens that a simple word processing error led to a major mistake in the healthcare bill that was hurredly passed last year. It seems that someone on the powerful House Ways and Means Committee accidentally combined two documents. The language from the now-defunct "Cash for Clunkers" program, which ran out of money last July 31, found its way into the provision of the healthcare bill that imposed end-of-life planning requirements on the elderly.

As a result, the law that was passed containing the following provision:

Effective January 1, 2010, anyone with a relative at least 65 years of age or 95,000 miles (whichever comes first) can turn in that relative and receive a $4,500 trade-in on a newer model.
Not only are senior citizens outraged, but for the last four days large numbers of ungrateful middle-aged offspring have been spotted dragging their elderly parents and in-laws into federal building and clamoring for their $4,500.

When reached for comment, the reactions of government officials were quite remarkable. Said one lawmaker who voted for the plan: "You don't really expect us to read a thousand pages of legislation before we vote on it, do you? We have luncheons to attend, speeches to give, appearences on cable news channels. So we just vote the way our party leadership commands us."

A White House advisor had this to say: "Well, you know we inherited this massive 500 billion pages of legislation from the previous administration, so this is really their fault."

The President's teleprompter was broken, so he had nothing to say.

Stay tuned as we find out what is in Chapter 2 of The Healthcare Chronicles. Be afraid...

Iron Maiden

While driving on the Garden State Parkway yesterday, I noticed a billboard advertising an upcoming performance by Iron Maiden at the PNC Bank Arts Center on July 11. "Now that's a blast from the past", I observed.

My wife's response: "I'll bet they are a bit rusty."

Cruising Yes, Listening No

I was a bit late in getting to the February issue of Runner's World, in which there is a feature on celebrity runners. What caught my attention was not the article itself, but a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jogging together in Boston.

Now Tom Cruise may very well be a great conversationalist. However, it doesn't look good for him when he is photographed jogging along with his wife who is clearly wearing headphones.

Olympics HD

We finally purchased a new HDTV. The picture is spectacular, and watching sports is a big improvement over the traditional signal. Unfortunately, not all the channels I get are HD. For example, MSNBC does not come in HD, while CNBC does. Normally I would not care, as neither are in my viewing habits (does anyone really like Keith Olbermann?) However, some of the Olympic events are shown on these two channels, so I have no choice.

So, on which one are they showing ice hockey? MSNBC - not HD. And on which one do we get 24/7 curling? CNBC.

Yep - that green painted circle on the ice looks so vivid I could reach out and touch it. Thanks a lot!

Super Who?

Given the choice between watching the Superbowl halftime show and accompanying my wife to pick up her older sisters at a party, my youngest chose the latter. Her justification: "I don't want to watch some band that's really bad."

Goodbye Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry, hello Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber - at least according to the younger set.

Shea Butter

It seems awfully coincidental that the appearence of products containing Shea Butter immediately followed the destruction of the original home of the NY Mets. Sure, they say the stuff comes from some tree in Africa, but I'm not convinced. It's supposed to work like Vaseline Intensive Care, but watch out, Mets fans... It will also take 10 mph off your fastball and cause you to go 0-fer the next 3 years.