Romeo and Juliet: 15th Anniversary Valentine’s Day Postcard from the Garden of Estrogen

This Postcard was originally published for Valentines Day 2006

An archeologist searching in England for the ruins of an ancient druid temple recently discovered a box of manuscripts that had been buried for hundreds of years.  After an exhaustive study by the respective literature departments at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, the manuscripts have been authenticated as drafts written by none other than William Shakespeare.

Most remarkable was the revelation that the version of Romeo and Juliet that we have come to know is the shortened “made for theatre” version.  The genuine R&J Trilogy is somewhat different.  In the original Book I, A Midsummer Night’s Family Feud, Romeo realizes that Juliet has faked her death and they both flee to Venice, where they settle down to raise a family.  Romeo makes a fortune selling gondola insurance, while Juliet raises their SEVEN lovely daughters (and you thought I was outnumbered!).

Here is an excerpt from Book II, entitled Looking for Two Gentlemen - Try Verona.  As we can see from the dialog, aside from the difficulty of always speaking in verse, Romeo faced his own unique challenges, especially when it came to certain romantic holidays.

Prologue  and disclaimer (added by Don Staffin, A.D. 2006)

Three Muses appear on stage.

muses (in unison)

If thy sensibilities be easily offended,

We suggest the reading at this moment be ended.

But if bawdry humor pleases without pretense,

Then partake with us of mirth at poor Romeo’s expense.

Muses exit…

 

The scene: Venice, Italy, St. Valentine’s Day, 1578

Juliet 

Romeo O, Romeo,

A soft bed awaits the warmth of our slumber.

The fatigue of the day o’ertakes me,

And sleep’s siren song bids us make haste

To fair and blissful repose.

 

Romeo

Doth not trifle with my affection

Juliet my love.

‘Tis is the Day of St. Valentine!

Flowers hath I procured.

A romantic feast hath we consumed,

A Netflix painting hath we viewed.

 

Juliet 

Romeo my love,

May I be stricken

‘Ere I trifle with thy affection.

But wouldst thou believe

I am so easily lured into thine arms?

 

Romeo

When seven children hath we produced,

I wouldst think it true.

And yet, I will woo thee as at first.

Come hither, and hear in thine own ears

The sweet caress of my loving whisper.

 

Juliet 

My ears hath been touched but not by thee.

‘tis Daughter #5 who rends the stillness of the night

With her fair cry,

And I must sooth her countenance.

 

Romeo

There is no need to leave

The warmth of our lair.

D5 merely coos in her chamber,

Where D4 and D6 offer sweet sibling solace.

Dost not mine own countenance need soothing?

Doth not other desires make their presence known?

 

Juliet 

Quite apparent is thy desire

And thy presence.

‘Twould be nearly impossible to miss.

Nonetheless, thine own countenance must wait,

Unless self-soothing is what thou wilt.

 

Romeo

If thy words be true,

A stake through my heart hast thou driven.

Wouldst thou consign thy beloved to such a fate?

Wouldst thou risk the loss of these eyes

That behold a beauty such as thee?

O, what an inglorious end to an evening

Begun with roses, fair oysters, and truffles,

Upon which a goodly portion of the Montague estate

Hath been laid bare!

 

Juliet

O, Romeo, your eyesight would not I risk,

But thy patience do I request,

Lest the sounds of the child

Strike the mood from my soul

If she should remain uncomforted.

Juliet exits left

 

Romeo

On St. Valentine’s Day indeed!

O, that the privacy we shared

When but two of us there were,

Nary a care in the world

(save our respective families who wanted to kill each other, but I digress…).

Now steal our moments we must,

When happily coincides

The slumber of little ones.

‘Tis a wonder the last were ever conceived!

Juliet returns wearing something very revealing

 

Romeo

O, Juliet,

How I have longed for thee

In thy painful absence.

But do my eyes deceiveth me?

Self soothed have I not!

From whence cometh thy garment,

Barely visible in the moonlight?

 

Juliet

My garb cometh

From my dear friend, Victoria.

Come to me now, my love,

And knowest thou her secret!

 

Romeo

Ah, Venice!!!

 

epilogue

Three Muses re-appear on stage.

muses (in unison)

We can see by thy faces

That some of thee are shocked.

But we warned thee,

And did not simply go off half-cocked.

So before telling Shakespeare

Who might be tempted to sue,

You should see our rendition

Of The Taming of the Shrew!

 

Muses Exit