Not long ago I turned 50. Thanks
to my parents’ decision to push me ahead one year in school at age 4, all of my
college and high school classmates preceded me to the half-century mark. So I was kind of used to the idea when it
became my turn.
Then
again, I am now older than every player in the four American major league
sports who has played in my lifetime. How
about the English Premier League? I’m 10
years older than Ryan Giggs (Manchester United), who is considered ancient. If I can improve my golf game slightly - about
35 strokes should do it - I will qualify for the PGA Senior Tour – or not. Hmm…
looks like I may need a new set of comparisons. Well, Tom Coughlin, coach of the New York
Giants Football Team is nearing 70. Pete
Carroll, who just coached the Seattle Seahawks to their first Superbowl win, is
past 60. Arnold Palmer is 84. Works for me!
One
thing I discovered about reaching 50 is that it gives friends a whole new set of
ideas for gifts. A couple with whom The
Queen and I have been friends for a long time were especially creative. At my surprise birthday party (perfectly
planned and executed by The Queen), this couple presented me with a large, very
colorful bag filled with items including:
- Under-eye firming serum
- A magnifying glass (so that The
Queen can see if the under-eye firming serum is working)
- Spectrovites™ “For men over 50”
- A weekly pill organizer,
presumably intended to remember to take the Spectrovites.
- Gold Bond Powder
- Fixodent
- Natural Fiber Powder - 100%
Psyllium – the economy-sized package for which boasts of a “smooth orange
taste”. I’m not sure what a
psyllium is (perhaps it’s where crazy people over 50 live?), but whatever
it might be, it is unlikely that it has anything to do with oranges.
- Adult Diapers – I think if I
avoid the orange psyllium powder these will be unnecessary.
- Preparation H – Is there a
pattern here?
- Bengay “Vanishing Sent” (I
remember that stuff from my high school wrestling days, and the only thing
that vanishes is the people around anyone who uses Bengay).
- Compression Socks – these are actually useful at any age. I have seen kids wearing them in road races.
* * *
Then
there is D1. During a recent family
dinner, she observed, “Hey Dad, did you know that you were born before the
Civil Rights Act of 1965?” I guess we know what she has been studying
in her US History class. OK, where are
we going with this? She continued, “That’s cool.
It makes it not seem quite such ancient history.” Gee,
thanks. I feel so much better now.
In
an interesting coincidence, my house was built in 1964, just like me. In just the 17 years we have lived here we
have replaced the roof, the furnace, the basement, the driveway, the front
walk, the bathroom, two hot water heaters and three dishwashers. And what does a house do? It just sits here all day, every day. Maybe the Preparation H was for the
house! Did I say that out loud? OK, now the Queen is looking at me strangely.
* * *
The flip side of all this is that seeing the kids turning into real people is the payoff for adding up the years. At the aforementioned party, D1-D4, their cousins, and several of their friends (all of whom are fairly close in age) had commandeered the iPod and the sound system, and displaced whatever had been playing with more recent releases. The scene looked like a sorority party, and it reminded me of a line in the 1980’s song “And We Danced” by The Hooters: She could dance all night and shake the paint off the wall. I could see several candidates that fit the lyrics perfectly.
* * *
So maybe 50 is not such a big deal. On the other hand, in less than 7 months D1, D2 and D3 will be old enough to vote. Wow, a whole constituency at once - now that will be a big deal! Onward we go in The Garden…
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